searching…
I am 30 and 31 is biting at my heals. It is just weeks away and I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
The Boy is so happy working. He is working so hard. Working like crazy, and he is exhausted, but really really happy.
That makes me aware of how unhappy I am at my job. Not so much unhappy, but aware there isn’t any where for me to go. I don’t seem myself working there five years from know. I don’t really see myself working there through this year. I know how lucky I am. I get to play in paint every day, but at the same time it is not the ideal job.
My problem is that I don’t know what the ideal job is. What I want to do with my life. I am worried and scared. Trying to figure out my future, while my present is flying by. I feel like I have been on hold for a while. And I am afraid, afraid that I have allowed myself to be trapped. Allowed myself always to get jobs where I have nowhere to go. I feel like I should be working towards something.
Like on a career path, but I know I need to work in an art environment.
I love to work with my hands but I also have computer skills, but I have a love hate relationship with the computer. Over the past couple of years I have come around to depending on the computer, and respecting it. But definitely begrudging.
I love the freedom at the painting studio. And I am learning so much. I can see it in my own paintings, how the work I have been doing since I switched to the painting assistant job are so much better than the previous paintings. But that isn’t a good enough reason to stay. But right now I don’t have any idea of where I want to go. What the future holds, or rather what I want from the future.
May 23rd, 2006 at 9:42 am
… and that’s okay! I know it’s easy for someone else to say that – but I just recently turned 31 and it took me by surprise – it was more of a self-awakening than 30 was – I actually posted a journal entry to my own blog about the big 3-1. The conclusion that I finally came to was that I don’t have to have it all figured out – far from it actually – I need to learn to embrace these moments of silence with quiet contemplation then take fierce advantage of the inspiration that I find daily in life. Though my twenties were truly wonderful – I would never want to move backwards – I keep reminding myself that there is so much to look forward to and that there really are surprises around every corner… and if 50 is the new 30 – then we must be reliving our teens – now there is a scary thought!
Happy early b’day!
May 23rd, 2006 at 11:31 am
as a 40something still trying to figure a career path out, what do i do for a living? help others figure it out — right now coaching a 50ish artist…besides myself! and the website –
May 23rd, 2006 at 12:02 pm
Oh lady…I think everybody feels like that sometimes, or all the times…especially when you’re feeling the change bug. I’m a big believer in “the next right thing…”. Trying not to worry about the big picture and just doing the next right thing that you’re absolutely most attracted to. The universe is pretty amazing and has a way of opening up for you, little by little. I think those little tiny steps are the most important, even if they seem frustratingly small. You know? I also like writing “fantasy future” scenes, detailed descriptions of the ideal ways I would want to spend my days. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run across old “fantasy future” papers, and they have come eerily true..(so slowly and surely that I hardly noticed..) And I know you’re capable of doing whatever you want! Remember way back when you decided you wanted to work in a more artistic environment? Look where it got you! Whatever you want..it’s possible!
May 23rd, 2006 at 2:24 pm
i love this entry because i can really relate. sometimes i try to be real relaxed about it all, and other times - i freak out. my job is not ideal, nowhere to go with it, and yet - you’re right - time flies quickly. when does one make changes, make the big move, make a leap? i wish i knew….
May 23rd, 2006 at 6:11 pm
Someone was telling me the other day that life is just a series of ups and downs…which, now that I think about it, can be either really encouraging or really depressing…
I just went through a gigantic life change (dropping everything and moving to a whole new city) it was stressful but oh so necessary and…what’s the word I want? Purging. Clean slate. Not that I’m suggesting that you should do that. Sometimes it helps to take a little time off, drive to Montauk or something, get out of the regular routine and see how things look from a different angle.
I know you hear (and read!) this all the time but you’re a lovely person and a talented artist and there’s lots of people that love what you do. Rock on Wendy. And let us know what develops.
May 23rd, 2006 at 7:48 pm
wenders…. don’t be so hard on yourself. it is normal to question what you want out of life. it doesn’t make it any easier. i feel as though i really need to figure out what i want from life too. there are too many things buzzing around my brain.
try and really figure out when you are the happiest - or most satisfied. what makes that little tick go off… and then try to do that more…. and figure out if you can make $ doing that - and how would that be.
you are smart and talented and all around lovely! you will find a way!! xox
May 23rd, 2006 at 10:37 pm
30 is such an ominous age, because we have this preconceived notion that we should have it “all figured out” by now….but dammit, it is just not that cut and dry. i have done more soul-searching and figuring out in my 30’s than i ever did in my twenties, and i am so okay with that. i turn 35 on sunday, and STILL do not know what i “want to be when i grow up.” but i think about the life lessons i learn every day, and the person i am becoming, and i see that everything has a purpose. i agree with lisa - take some time to pinpoint your happiest, most satisfied moments, and find a way to center your life and career around that. i love your vision, your expression - you have so much to share. just be patient and know that you will “become” when you are ready. =)
xoxo
May 23rd, 2006 at 10:38 pm
by the way…..you should read the book “the day i turned uncool” by dan zevin - it is so right-on with the changes that begin to take place in your life when you turn 30. definitely an amusing read!
May 23rd, 2006 at 10:51 pm
funny…you sound like me..
May 24th, 2006 at 2:28 pm
i could have written this post myself. i try to make the rest of my life satisfying to cover up the fact that my job isn’t satisfying. i think there is this general idea that we’re not really supposed to be happy with our jobs. that were just supposed to work and live with it. but it just seems there ought to be a different, a better way… i wish i had an answer…or even just a suggestion…
May 24th, 2006 at 9:33 pm
As one half of the “L.A. Power Couple”, I’m sorry, but I have to say that you’re indulging in a good wallow - which is healthy - but I’m not buying it. The reality is that you are one of the most persistently artistic and multi-faceted adults I know - and we are constantly comparing our lack of artistic accomplishment with yours - and feeling crappy about it. It’s good that you feel dissatisfied to some extent because it will force you to continue to grow - but I don’t think anyone would ever look at you and see someone standing too still. Change-is-a-coming. Either location or status-wise (if The Boy has too much work to leave Queens, then y’alls gots no reasons not to spawn, dammit!). And keep painting. There. Thus endeth the tough love.
May 25th, 2006 at 3:06 pm
How’d you like to be 45 and still have the same problem? A month ago I left a job that I hated (but liked the people and the place) for a “dream job,” which was so intolerable that I was let go/quit two weeks later. I have never been without a job before, much less under these circumstances. Somehow, though, I’m not worried about it. The “What Next?” question hangs over all of us at one time or another. Just breathe.
May 26th, 2006 at 8:57 am
jen - reliving our teens, is not something I want to do - i’ll have to read your post about turning 31.
patricia - helping people figure out there lives seems like a pretty good career path!
johanna - I think I should do more fantasy futures and concentrate on the next right thing!
sarah - wish I knew too!
janel - trying to make my way to the beach, get some perspective
lisa -thank you for your kind words and great advice!
ky - oh I love your thoughts (and happy belated birthday!!)
jessica - good thing others are in my boat!
michelle - I agree - work should make us happy!
dayan - funny thing is we talk about the two of you the same way!! but thank you for the kick in the ass and the smiles!
stephanie - so I guess the ideal job is not always so ideal - good luck!